Family evaluation

My Love and I want children.

I’m going to my Love’s GYN.

Both of us are going to a fertility clinic that our GYN recommended. When I asked our GYN if the clinic is lesbian-friendly, she laughed that a fertility clinic in Manhattan has to be lesbian-friendly. She was right: The clinic made us feel very welcome.

Initial tests indicate that neither of us will have a problem. We shouldn’t need to take extraordinary measures.

With a new, high-profile, high-pressure job, I can’t consider taking a pregnancy leave for at least a year. I need to establish myself before taking extended time off.

My Love hasn’t any restrictions. She can work as much or as little as she wants. She could take time off, or work from home, or even retire. She’s the undisputed boss of her firm: She started it and built it into a powerhouse. To give herself time to build a personal life, she turned over day-to-day management to her partners, although she is still The Boss. Even if she weren’t, her partners would happily let her do whatever she wants. She has made them a lot of money. Financially, after starting with nothing and having been broke a couple of times, she could retire today and live very comfortably for the rest of her life.

Her only restriction: We’re planning to marry next August (2016). She doesn’t want to be a pregnant bride.

My Love: I don’t want our teenagers to look at our wedding album and think that premarital intercourse is OK.

I think she’s serious.

On the other hand, neither of us is getting any younger.

I’m in my mid-30s. She’s in her late 30s. I’m not sure how much time we have to try turkey basters before we need to go to more scientific measures.

My Love is funny. Her business is using quantitative methods to project probabilities of extremely complicated business options. Yet, she is incapable of planning anything, even lunch.

I’m an engineer. I need a planning document, P90s, critical paths, PERTs, gantts, requirements.

Me: We should be planning this a little. Understand the conditional probabilities of the options. Have a critical path, a timeline, alternatives, fallbacks.

My Love (rolling her eyes): Oh, for goodness sake. People have been doing this for a few million years without any of that.

Me: Lesbians haven’t. It’s a little more complicated.

My Love: I’ve inseminated hundreds of heifers and cows. How complicated can it be?


13 thoughts on “Family evaluation

  1. I think that explaining it to your future kids is not a reason to put off trying to get pregnant. You can easily explain that it wasn’t legal for you to get married at the time you move in together and when it was legal you wanted to plan a nice wedding. If you all have had premarital sex then it would be a bit of a double standard to not consider that your children will have sex with other consenting adults who they aren’t married to. I don’t know anyone personally, gay or straight, who has waited until after they got married to have sex for the first time. Now, I can see lots of other reasons to not want to be pregnant at your wedding, but they are mostly frivolous. I would put together a baby making plan that would put her in early pregnancy, not third trimester around wedding time. Even with no suspected fertility issues, it can take months of trying to get a positive. Sometimes it even takes months to get the timing of inseminstion right.

    Also, AI negates the whole sex before marriage thing anyway lol!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My fiancee has been sexually very conservative all her life. Her concern is sending the wrong message – about intercourse, particularly – to teenagers, not mature adults.

      I agree with her. I don’t want our kids to re-enact my own sordid, stupid teenage years. There won’t be any double standard: I intend to tell our kids all about that and hold myself up as a bad example.

      Yes, there are other reasons not to be a pregnant bride. Yes, they’re mostly frivolous. Still, it’s once in a lifetime. She is going to be a spectacularly beautiful bride. She’s not vain, but I believe she’s had a vision of herself as a bride since she was a little girl. (I’ve got a vision of her, too …)

      I’d like to say more about her and my sexual ethics, but not out here in the open. If I do, it will be in a protected post.

      As she pointed out in our conversation, she knows all about AI. So does everyone in her family, which enlivened the discussion when she came out to them.


  2. Obviously I’ve got some baggage on this subject, but even as someone trying to do it the old-fashioned way who started at the (young these days) age of 30… there is just no way to predict in advance whether or not you’ll be one of the 10% of people who experiences infertility, or the significantly higher percentage (particularly as your love is in her late 30s) who experiences pregnancy loss (we got both! Infertility and a second-trimester loss, woohoo! We are unusually unlucky, but still). When we wound up at the reproductive endocrinologist, she told us that our chances of carrying a baby to term eventually were very good, primarily because of my age (now 32, and currently 10.5 weeks pregnant with our second). The one thing I’m really glad I’ve done, looking back on this all, is starting as soon as we felt we were feasibly ready and staying on top of it when things seemed to be taking a long time or were not quite right in some way. So, I guess I’m encouraging you to follow your engineering gut on this one: have contingency plans, keep an eye on the timeline, and get moving! Odds are good that it’ll work out for you, but this is a huge decision in your life together — it sucks to gamble on that.

    I had to laugh at the conversation about premarital sex. :-) My husband and I had almost exactly the same conversation the year before we got married (I was on your side; I acquiesced, although we did decide that I could toss my birth control pills a couple months before the wedding to let my cycle normalize — I guess that’s not something you’ll have to worry about, unless one of you is trans* and you haven’t mentioned it!). It’s absurd, as far as I’m concerned, because obviously we had premarital sex, and I don’t think either he or I would discourage our future children from having premarital sex (we’ll encourage them to wait until they’re emotionally mature, talk about what that means, and obviously give them more information than they want about birth control options, etc., but neither of us is anywhere near the abstinence until marriage camp!). Maybe it has something to do with the fact that his parents’ wedding date is only 7 months before his birth date? He’s never admitted it, but I wonder if it bugs him. :-)

    Good luck! Making the decision to have children is momentous and thrilling and terrifying and awesome. The process of trying to conceive and carry to term can be as well, although I hope it’ll be a lot more boring for you than it has been for us!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am following my engineering gut, with or without her. I’m slightly disgusted with myself for actually starting a PERT. At least one part of the critical path has a P90+ time-frame, and I can find the stats to work back from that. I’m fighting the idea of running both production lines at the same time; two women attempting to cohabit under the influence of pregnancy and infant hormones?

      No, neither of us is trans, and we don’t have to chuck our birth-control pills! (See this post.)

      My fiancee delved into her family tree a bit a few years ago and was surprised at how many first children were premature!

      Thanks for the kind words and encouragement!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes I just have to scratch my head at the things she says. And she delivers them deadpan, so I’m never sure whether or not she’s serious.

      I need to post more of those conversations. At least once a day, she says something that makes me go, “Huh?”


  3. Pingback: Better luck next time | Family Values Lesbian

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