So that’s why they’re called “love apples”

This past weekend, we stopped at a farm stand and got heirloom tomatoes.

I’ve never had a garden. My only experiences with tomatoes are canned tomatoes (delicious for cooking) and supermarket tomatoes (paint them white and use them for baseballs).

I’ve never liked raw tomatoes. I don’t dislike them; I just never got the point.

My Love insisted that we buy a pound of them. I thought she was nuts, but I indulged her.

She showed me how to select tomatoes. I was amazed that they had a nice firm softness, like – well, like something I would describe in a protected post. Her most important advice:

Always get the ugliest tomatoes.


That was Friday afternoon. Saturday for lunch, we had tomato sandwiches.

Oh

My

GOODNESS!


Tomato Sandwich

  • Two slices of slightly stale bread, preferably something that will disintegrate when wet (e.g., Portuguese corn broa)
  • mayonnaise
  • sliced tomato
  • salt
  • bottled beer

Smear mayo on bread. Stack at least 3/4 inch (20mm) of salted tomato slices between mayo’ed bread.

Eat. Drink beer from bottle. Repeat until sick.


Notes:

  1. Don’t bother with a plate. Eat it over the sink. If the tomato is properly ripe, the juice will run down your forearms and off your elbows into the sink.
  2. Don’t wear a white shirt. In fact, don’t wear a shirt at all. Before starting, my Love stripped to her bra and undies and encouraged me to do the same. I wondered why she was wearing her yoga bra and undies. Now I know.
  3. My Love says you can substitute olive oil for mayo.
  4. Don’t drink the beer from a glass. Be careful with the bottle. Your hands will be slick.
  5. Part of the trick is to finish the sandwich before the bread completely disintegrates.

So, if you see two 30-somethings in their worst bras and undies standing over the sink, drooling red, making obscene slurping sounds, swigging beer from the bottle and laughing, you’ll know you’re at the right place.

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19 thoughts on “So that’s why they’re called “love apples”

    • My Love says that one day she went to make a BLT. She discovered that she had no bacon. She was too lazy to go to the grocery (one block away). So she had a lettuce and tomato sandwich. She loved it, and decided to do without the bacon forever more.

      Then one day, she discovered that she was out of lettuce and was too lazy to go to the grocery.

      That’s when she discovered the full joy of a pure tomato sandwich.

      She also ruined a white polo shirt, a khaki skirt and a tablecloth. Ever thereafter, she has stripped to her unmentionables and eaten over the sink.

      On the other hand, my brother claims that national happiness and peacefulness are strongly correlated with national pork consumption. If he’s right, you are contributing to a happier and more peaceful world.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I wanted one for lunch today, but I thought my partners would frown upon me stripping in the break room.

      The temptation was nearly overwhelming. If you hear about some engineer getting arrested for stripping in the office, please come bail me out.

      Like

  1. I had a tomato sandwich yesterday, too! Yum, yum YUM! But I like mine on bread that is a bit crispy/toasted. I have an aversion to soggy foods. But honestly? Tomato sandwiches are one of my favourite foods these days!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I might try that. But the best part about strawberry shortcake is when the shortcake has just enough structural integrity to retain all that strawberry goodness without disintegrating into mush. That’s what I liked about the broa.

    I should probably investigate the optimal colloidal state, but that person looking for Lutheran funeral jello might think I’m taunting him.

    My Love has been conducting field experiments on this topic for many years. I trust her judgment.

    Like

  3. Made me think about summers on my grandparents’ farm. We used to pick tomatoes, slice ’em and slap them on Wonder bread. I have failed to experience this as an adult and with a beer so thank you for a lovely reminder.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So, J totally disagrees with me…but….the best thing ever is slicing a fresh garden tomato and covering it with homemade bacon gravy! It is amazing!!! —-B

    Liked by 1 person

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