Mother bear and her cub

At the cookout, I saw my Mother looking beatific, a sure sign that she has done something that will embarrass me. [Two things about Mother: She is a devout Catholic, and she sometimes talks in italics.]

Me: Mother, what have you done now?

Mother (with a sly smile): That woman doesn’t approve of your lifestyle.

Me: Oh, God, Mother, what did you say to her?

Mother: Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, dear. I told her that you two have respectable lifestyles. You live in a little one-bedroom apartment, [fiancée] lives in a sublet and doesn’t even own the furniture, for goodness sake.

Me: I don’t think she meant that kind of lifestyle.

Mother: Of course she didn’t, the ignorant bigot. I told her you don’t go out to bars and you don’t party. You court each other by making dinner for each other. By the way, you both work too hard.

Me: I don’t think she meant that kind of lifestyle, either.

Mother: Of course she didn’t, the ignorant bigot. She said you didn’t have a Christian lifestyle. I told her that getting married and having kids is the best kind of Christian lifestyle, and you will make terrific parents.

Me (rolling eyes): Thanks, Mother.

Mother: Don’t roll your eyes at me, dear. It’s not ladylike or respectful. I told her you are good Christians, too. You go to church every Sunday. For goodness sake, [fiancée] is ordained or an elder or something, isn’t she?

Me: Yes, Mother. An ordained elder. But aren’t we a couple of Protestant heretics?

Mother: Of course you are, dear. That doesn’t mean you can’t be good Christians. So I told her, why don’t you stop beating around the bush, talking about lifestyle? Why not just say that you’re an ignorant bigot who doesn’t like homosexuals?

Me: Oh, God, Mother.

Mother: Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, dear. She told me I should read the Bible instead of going to one of those liberal churches where the gay agenda is more important than the Bible. I told her she’d have to take that up with the Pope. Ignorant bigot.

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10 thoughts on “Mother bear and her cub

  1. Sounds like your mom has a lot more tact than mine. My mother was caught flipping the bird to someone that said that her two gay kids (out of 5) are basically a hot mess and a reflection of her “poor parenting skills”. She took “poor parenting skills, …but not before she polished off her 3rd happy hour margarita and kissed her son’s boyfriend and my wife and said so the whole restaurant could hear, “I LOVE my two gay kids, and if jew no liken, bueno! GO F*@% jewself”… yeah, that’s my Roman Catholic practicing mother…

    [edited to combine the cut off section from your followup — FVL]

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ha! I think our mothers would get along just fine! (Although if I used a word like that, Mother would wash out my mouth with soap!)

      The high point of my life (before I met my fiancée) was Mother going to battle with our priest and the bishop over my confirmation. My brother (an ex-Marine) says, “There’s no such thing as a fair fight, and a Marine never fights fair.” That’s Mother. The priest and the bishop probably still don’t know what hit them.

      Liked by 2 people

    • She has her moments, but she really is lovely.

      Before I came out, I would have been happy if I thought that Mother would go as far as acknowledging a “friend”. Frankly, I am very disappointed in myself for underestimating her. She’s a woman of strong – but carefully reasoned – opinions, and her Catholicism is the strongest. But she isn’t rigid or narrow-minded, and she is like a momma bear: Don’t get between her and her cub. Even if her cub is 35 years old, has an Engineering PhD and lives in New York City.

      Liked by 1 person

    • It might be fun to have a mom like that!

      She is classy (and old fashioned). She’s also a force of nature. Push her far enough and she’d do something that would require bail. Fortunately, I’m the only one of her children that might do something to get her to that point.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Cookout | Family Values Lesbian

  3. omg that is so funny and awesome. I wish my mom supported my “lifestyle” like that! So awesome. I love your blog, so entertaining and also insightful. Please check out the blog my girlfriend (soon to be fiance!) share. I look forward to your posts:) Our blog link is shekeepsherwarm.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

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