This week

Next Saturday, I will marry.


I’ve been a bad blogger.

The last year has been so crowded: getting engaged; buying, renovating and furnishing an apartment; moving in; buying a dress; planning and preparing the wedding and festivities; working a 60-to-100-hour-a-week job at the highest levels of international engineering; making a life with my fiancée.

All that is true, but it’s no excuse. The real problem is, ironically, I have so much I want to write.

Writing doesn’t come easily to me. Technical writing does, but that’s highly stylized. This is different. I didn’t do any non-technical writing between high school and starting this blog. I have to work to be clear and concise, to be satisfied with what I write.

I have 20 draft posts on topics that are important to me. I’m not happy with any of them.


I’m going to try to write something every day this week. I hope that it will be a journal of the most important week of my life.

If I slip, I hope that you understand.

Don’t expect anything on Saturday or for the three weeks after. I doubt I’ll have time to write anything on Saturday, and my fiancée has forbidden computers on our honeymoon.

Well, OK then

In a box on the administrative page for this blog, WordPress shows the search terms that people have used to find it. Today was a red-letter day: There was something in that box! Somebody had found my blog using Google search!

What was the magic search? What thirst for knowledge led someone to that profound oracle, the Family Values Lesbian?

lutheran funeral jello

Whoever you are, I hope you’re satisfied with the result of your search.

Writing

This blog is the first non-technical writing that I have tried since high school.


Engineers’ technical writing is stylized. Charts, tables, mathematical models, bullet points, abbreviations, terms of art. Numbered and subnumbered sections, subsections, paragraphs, subparagraphs. It falls into types with templates: invitations to  prequalify, requests for proposals, responses to requests for proposals, field notes, field reports, specifications, PERT and gantt charts.

I try to be extremely concise, yet unambiguous, in my technical writing. It can seem brutal. It’s choppy.


I’ve always thought I am creative. I create physical, productive things. The creative joy is in elegance of design and efficiency of operation.

This writing is different. While I might be creative, I’m not artistic. This is alien to me.

I’ve never written about myself, other than a CV. I’ve never tried to analyze my emotions or to put down thoughts about anything other than technical questions.

As a teenager, I was a riot of emotions and attractions. As a closeted lesbian teenager, I tried unsuccessfully to suppress them. I never expressed them, but I could not suppress them. They were always there to haunt me.

I gained self-control in college, through iron self-discipline.

For my whole adult life, I strictly avoided emotion. I did not watch a movie or play or read a book that might depict or hint at those emotions. And not just lesbian emotions. Anything that might depict love, affection, intimacy, sex. I didn’t want to see people who had something that I could never have.

I never thought about it. I couldn’t write about it. No secret diaries, no notes in a hidden file.


That changed when I met my Love. She wrote me a letter every night we were apart. Her letters were smart, funny, affectionate – and beautifully written.

My mother taught me always to reply to letters, so I wrote back, every night.

It was hard at first. I’m too embarrassed to look at those letters. They are probably sloppy and sentimental. Poorly conceived and poorly expressed.

It gets easier if you do it every day.


My Love encouraged me to do this blog. She says I’m “finding my voice”. A funny phrase.

I am enjoying this.


I write differently in blog posts from the way I write in comments on other blogs. I feel more formal here, more conversational there. Another author’s blog is her forum, I’m her guest. If I’m commenting, it’s a conversation with her.

I write differently in my response to comments on this blog. Although this is my forum, the comment is an invitation to a conversation. Sometimes, all I need or want to say is, thank you. Sometimes, the comment is more substantive and calls for a considered response.


I need to loosen up. I’m not as stiff as I sound. I look back at my early posts and cringe.