Bad Lesbian: Headgear

This is going to out me as a bad lesbian,
with no sense of lesbian style,
but I gotta calls ’em as I sees ’em.

What is it with lesbians and headgear?

Do not wear a seed-corn cap unless you are a farmer or rancher.

[A seed-corn cap is like a baseball cap, except that instead of the logo of a ballclub, it has the logo of a seed-corn, cattle-feed or farm implement company, or of a farm-and-ranch store.]

You are not being hip. You are not being ironic. You are being a clueless hipster. Your are insulting the good, hardworking people who fill your table.

I see a city slicker in a seed-corn cap and my non-violent disposition is sorely tested.

You may wear a seed-corn cap if you are driving a pickup truck with a manual transmission.

You may wear a seed-corn cap if you have a farmer tan (about which I will write more later).

To my dear butch friends: Please do not take this wrong. I still love you with all my heart. But –

To be entitled to wear a seed-corn cap, you must go full butch and get a farmer tan.

Otherwise, wear a baseball cap with the logo of your favorite sporting team (as long as it is not the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago Cubs or the New England Patriots). And, of course, if you ride a motorcycle, a cap with its logo is 100% OK, although I would prefer that you wear a helmet.

Aside: One of my Love’s most prized possessions is a cap from a bull semen dealer. I mean, is that lesbian style, or what?

Do not wear your cap backward.

Why the blazes do you think they put the bill on the damn thing? To keep the sun out of your eyes!

If there’s one thing that annoys me more than a city slicker wearing a seed-corn cap, it’s somebody wearing a cap backward.

I just do not get it.

You may wear your cap backward if you are a catcher. (My little brother was a catcher in Legion ball. He wore his cap backward under his catcher’s skull cap. He gets a little crazy if he sees someone other than a catcher wearing a cap backward.)